I am on vacation from February 18-March 2nd, and have decided to pause my blog, at least for the first part of my vacation. See you all soon!
Religious and moral instruction of all stripes tend to preach kindness, but it often seems to be wrapped in some form of duty or obligation.
In many regards I do believe we are free, and that includes being free from duty or obligation. I choose not to do things for those reasons. However, I am currently considering the possibility that simply being kind to others all the time (while acknowledging how complex our egos have made this task out to be) may be the most radical spiritual practice I could engage in. And the most liberating.
Certainly, being able to be kind with all people in all situations is currently beyond my grasp. However, I can clearly acknowledge that in the past I have fallen well short of what I have been capable of. Much of this can be attributed to my habit of seeking distraction, and much also to conflicting beliefs around the value of expressing myself, resisting being taken advantage of, speaking the ‘truth’ in all situations, and so on. As I write today, no conflicting beliefs abound. I am firmly grounded in the belief that kindness is the highest response to all (non-life-threatening) situations all the time.
And so I move forward with my newly-minted guiding principle. And it’s already started to give me the feeling of anticipation about what the next day will bring.
Synchronicity Alert #3: Some editing work has come my way and will probably earn me a few hundred dollars. I’m rolling now
Today was the first day of my new conscious intention to love a bit more or a bit better every day. The day had its share of distractions, mild irritations, and so forth. Not the least of which was going to Walmart to pick up something quickly and running into a horde of cars in the parking lot like I’ve never seen before, even during Christmas season. There was literally a traffic jam where not moving for three or four minutes was a common occurrence. All this, I realized, because today was a holiday in Ontario called ‘Family Day’. My judgment towards people arose in me a bit but I was able to catch it before too long and realized that everyone was right where they needed to be, even if they seemed to be ‘in my way’ lol. I saw myself among a horde of souls who are each precious and all came here to awaken, unconscious as there behavior might have been.
And so I feel like something has changed, and that this new awareness has taken root in me and will slowly grow. To keep intense presence and to love unconditionally is a vast undertaking. However there is some comfort in finally zeroing in on a point of focus, and knowing that meeting the challenge will reap rewards. Through it, I can see that my grievances of the past have less power, and I am confident that over time they will drop off. It is much easier to bring forth my enthusiasm. All in all, a good first day!
There has been a steady confluence of what I have been thinking/writing about with the material that I have been reading/listening, which today brought me to my A-Ha! moment. It is not a new concept that came to me but rather a new way of expressing things that encapsulates much of what I have been talking about and working towards in this project.
In listening again to the wisdom of Matt Kahn, speaking about what it really means to raise our vibration, he cast the manifesting of abundance as a consequence of healing and self-love.
He uses the metaphor of an ’emotional bank account’ inside of us, in which our kindness to ourselves acts like deposits. If we have not learned to love ourselves and be nicer to ourselves (and others, by extension), then our emotional bank account will be overdrawn, and sink us deeper into a deficit of self-worth. And so love of self (and love of others) is the work of raising our vibration, which gets our emotional bank account up which makes us feel good. Then at 54:17 he says ‘…and when that emotional bank account is in the positive on a very deep level, that becomes the energy that manifests financial prosperity into your reality. Self-doubt manifests as financial debt, and heart-centered goodness towards yourself manifests over time as financial freedom.”
And so my feeling today is that I am captaining a ship that was launched to sea 40 days ago, and I have finally gotten together with my crew to synchronize all our instruments because now I know exactly where I am going. My work is my healing, my letting go of all grievances, my forgiveness of all those who have wronged me. And further, my goal is intense presence in my relationships, honoring of people as they are, demonstrating and expressing love to others, and ultimately to myself. Intention for abundance is not seen as a wish, a desire, or a pronouncement, it is an alignment with my true self and the universe out of which abundance naturally flows.
I am very grateful in this moment. Let us sail on!
There are many ways of looking at this awakening, from a personal perspective, from a global perspective, focusing on fighting against the darkness, on bringing awareness, on bringing healing, and one thing that keeps coming back to me from my most respected sources: get centered of loving everyone and everything to the best of your ability all the time. Everything else is of little consequence.
Love, to me, is most easily expressed as an acceptance of everyone as they are, an honoring of their uniqueness, and a complete letting go of any judgments or grievances I may have. It is these grievances, founded in the ego, that are the impediments to love. Once removed, there is essentially nothing more to do. Love flows without effort, freely and without condition.
My rational mind had been making the case for my need to protect myself, my need to insist on being respected, the importance of having conversations founded in the truth, the need to work out problems through communication. Perhaps there is something to this, but for me these things were often founded on my grievances, and so rather than loving my ‘problem-solving’ communications were often tough, sometimes angry, even sarcastic.
This project remains an experiment in learning how to manifest abundance. However, it has become abundantly clear for me that if I am not centered in love, I will not be able to manifest anything except misery. When I focus on healing my own darkness, it becomes a clear commitment to learn more and more about how to be centered in love in the way I interact with the world. I have already experienced the miracle of this shift in how I anchor myself. But for this shift to really hold, I know a persistent effort needs to be applied. This is the work that lies in front of me in the coming weeks.
Today felt like a day of awakening for me. There was a sense that not only was my recent revelation about letting go of grievances important, but it a definitive step in my own coming to grips with what I really came here to do.
The new possibilities that are finally opening up in my relationship with my wife are quite astounding. Not that they seem miraculous as such, but that after all this time I am seeing evidence of the possibility of a fully supportive and loving partnership that was only the stuff of dreams and occasional furtive glimpses.
Today I also happened upon a Youtube video featuring Matt Kahn, who spoke about the people who are destined to anchor ascension in the world in 2015. (related to what I have referred to in this blog as global human awakening). There was a real resonance for me, in that he described much of what I have experienced in my life quite accurately: never truly fitting in, feeling like I had something important to do, and that everything in my life was happening for a reason.
One other thing he mentioned very clearly was specifically about abundance, and how those who are to anchor ascension by and large have not really succeeded in having an overly abundant life, because the condition of non-abundance was making an important contribution to the individual’s awakening. In essence, abundance would come easily to those individuals the moment that abundance served their awakening and their contribution to the awakening of humanity as a whole.
And so for once I do feel in the right place at the right time. I have a goal of manifesting abundance, but all this time had the intuitive sense that I needed to heal some of the darkness inside of me in order to create the proper foundation for doing so. Essentially, manifesting abundance appears to me as the side-game. The real action that’s happening is the global awakening, the ascension of humanity to a higher level of consciousness. And I feel even more sure about this than I did when I declared it at the start of my blog: that I am very excited to be an active participant in this coming global awakening.
There has been much said about what we get in life is simply a reflection of what we are giving off. In a sense, manifesting through intention is all about that.
But my work right now is still around the conflict that I had been having recently, and starting to look at it in terms of what I had been giving off and how I had been creating it.
In taking a deeper responsibility for holding and feeling frustration from grievances I have gotten a real ‘intuitive’ sense–a little different from a logical, cause-an-effect sense–about how I was creating a hostile reality around me because of the hostility I was holding inside me. What I mean is that when I think back to a past conflict it becomes immediately evident to me what it was inside me that was creating it, while the possibility of ‘blaming’ other people and circumstances loses its appeal completely, and doesn’t even seem reasonable anymore.
And even without really ‘trying’ to let go of all my anger, but simply acknowledging my full responsibility in creating the energetic reality around me, I get to experience the miracle of an energetic shift in my environment into one that is much closer to my aspirations and dreams.
Much work is still to be done in this area of healing my anger. But the magic of intuitively sensing the power of my grievances–and more significantly the power of letting go of my grievances–gives me a sense of comfort (where initially there was dread) in continuing to look into my own darkness, if only for a few minutes a day, with intense presence. I see the potential to create and manifest from my highest and most positive desires opening up as a consequence.
Those times that I have been able to press forward with difficult self-examination, with an honest gaze into the darkness, the results have had a similar quality to them: relief, joy, and the feeling of inner spaciousness. Like a chip of a heavy low-vibration rock has been chiseled off my shoulder.
I may be only inquiring into the darkness for a few minutes a day, but if I am asking the right questions, the right ‘what ifs’, a huge shift is possible. In examining my grievances yesterday and asking myself if I could be OK about someone being that way (triggering my grievance) I wrote ‘Yes’. Today I am already living that ‘Yes’, and it has made all the difference.
My wife and I have not only agreed on a new context from which to view our conflicts, we have a clear idea about how each of us want to be that will minimize these conflicts before they start. We also have a better footing about how we are going to work together to achieve our shared goals.
One of those shared goals (surprise, surprise) is manifesting abundance. And we are looking squarely together at all the practical matters surrounding our financial situation in order to create a solid foundation for the unfolding of this project. Indeed, we can see a light at the end of the tunnel, where in the near future we will be moving towards our goal in complete unity and not without lightness and a sense of humor.
It is not having tried something new that has me feel today that my eyes have opened a bit to what has been going on with me. It is the slightly deeper application of what I know and have spoken about here in this blog that has caused a shift for me.
I have gotten some access to the way in which my anger does not need to be an inevitable reaction to certain situations. I have gotten access to the fact that anger is a choice, founded on how much validity we give to our own grievances towards someone else. “Is it possible that I can be OK about someone being that way?” we might ask with regards to our grievance. Of course until you ask yourself that question at a deep level, the answer will be no. But I have taken the step to really ask deep within, and the possibility of a ‘yes’ is starting to emerge. The gift of this ‘yes’ is the dissolution of anger when that situation comes up. And the more I answer ‘yes’ the more the anger will stay away.
Remember we have said that a miracle is a shift in perception. Further to this, A Course in Miracles, the celebrated spiritual workbook, states “Let miracles replace all grievances. Perhaps it is not yet quite clear to you that each decision that you make is one between a grievance and a miracle.”
As a grievance is always something out of one’s hands, there is a frustration that comes with it because it is beyond our control. Once we decide we can abandon the grievance and let things be as they are, we are in control of the situation–miraculously. Like peeling an onion, this is the same work that continues at deeper and deeper levels, reaching to levels that scarcely seem to rise above the subconscious. But that is what the will to examine and expand does: it brings light to those dark nether-regions of our minds, where we start to see those underlying beliefs that are really running our life.
My work on this will be continuing as my eyes are starting to get accustomed to the darkness, and shapes are appearing clearer. I already feel a hint of optimism about where this is going.
It is seeming more and more like my desire to manifest runs through the healing of my anger.
And that is no small matter. It seems like a black hole whenever I peer into it. And that is a rare enough occurrence, since I am quite skilled at justifying my anger, all while nobly stating that I don’t necessarily have the right to be angry. “But in case you are curious about what you did that triggered it, I can tell you…” And so I do. And so I stand, as many of us do, in my position, feeling justified. And suffering.
Today I decided not to rush to distraction after putting the baby to sleep, but actually plan for some time of quiet contemplation to figure out why I’m having so much anger coming up lately. Of course, one could say fatigue and time restrictions caused by the baby contribute, but only to exacerbate the anger. The question still remains as to why it comes up at all, if, as I say, I am ready to accept the world exactly as it comes into my perception.
I guess I’m not. At least, I can say that I don’t maintain that state of consciousness sometimes. And it is in those times of low consciousness that judgment and blame surface. Just a few hours ago, an email made me feel angry. But I asked myself why it made me feel angry. And I came up with an answer. And then I asked myself if that reason really needs to make me feel angry? And after some thought, going through some denial, I finally realized that it didn’t. The drama of it was all fabricated in my head.
Have you ever had the experience of blaming for so long and then suddenly asking yourself the question “Is it me? Is it possible that I’m the cause of the problem?” When it has to do with long-standing issues, these questions feel extremely confronting and then extremely liberating. Imagine going from automatically getting angry over something and causing all sorts of upset to no longer having the inner urge to get angry.
This is the tunnel I’m entering now. For me, it might be a reflection on all the things that recently made me angry, noticing one by one what it is I was not accepting in the moment, and then a question as to whether I can accept it going forward. Seems like one of those games of elevating one’s consciousness, trying to catch a potential situation that one would have called ‘unacceptable’ before it happens–and let it be.
I don’t see the light at the end of that tunnel right now but I trust there will be one in time if I keep going through it.